• "If this material works well, I am going to use it at Goldman Sachs next year."
• "I want to thank Joe Biden… for not shooting anybody in the face."
• "Spotlight is a movie about investigative journalists with the resources and the autonomy to chase down the truth. Best fantasy film since Star Wars."
• [Contrasting former NYC mayor Mike Bloomberg with Donald Trump] "He's actually worth the amount of money he says he is."
• "But Bernie [Sanders], I have to say, you have been distancing yourself somewhat from me. I mean, that's just not something you do to your comrade."
• "Hillary appealing to young people is like a relative just starting to use Facebook. 'Did you get my poke?'"
• "But there is one area that [Trump] could be helpful. Closing Guantanamo. He knows something about running waterfront properties into the ground."
• "I'm still waiting for all of you to respond to my requests on LinkedIn."
Plus this video, with a great cameo by former House Speaker John Boehner, his longtime Republican nemesis: